goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
