My cat gives me a boner
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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