thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The air was thick with penises
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
