i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize