True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
