Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
