I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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