I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
