Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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