just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm getting married
To pizza
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
