barbara walters just said penis...
i love accidental penises.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
