What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
