I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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