I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
