god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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