Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
