You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
