My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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