Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
