Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
