I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
