ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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