So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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