I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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