I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
