I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
