You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
