i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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