so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
