remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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