He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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