The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
