I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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