Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
