Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
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