So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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