If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
