just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
