After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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