Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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