yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
