I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Randomize
