I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
