I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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