Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
