My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
