then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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