What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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