my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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