I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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