no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
