How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
foreskin is a definite game changer
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
