you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
