I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
