i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
