me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize