Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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