why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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