I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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