Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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