My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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