U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
