What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
