Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
