come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
