so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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