do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
