I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
