saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
