And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
