this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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